I recently had a colonoscopy, or as Arnold calls it, a “Cameron Diaz”. It was quite the experience. First of all, I’m not sure if the process and restrictions are the same for all facilities, but GI Associates sure has this process down to the day and very granular, starting at 14 days before the procedure. They detail the specific medications and food you have consume and exactly what you CAN’T consume for each day leading up to the procedure, which becomes more and more detailed, eliminating more and more food and meds the closer you get. Up until the day before the procedure when you can no longer have solid foods.

At that point you start taking the “Prep solution” and all hell breaks loose in your stomach and colon shortly after. My wife sure got a kick out of it, laughing hysterically as I tried to make it to the bathroom in time, several times, before the floodgates opened up.

Those last two days are rough–at least they were for me. I was hungry all the time, and everything had to be liquid. I drank a lot of beef broth those last two days and stayed in our living room, which is fairly close to our bathroom. There’s a scene in Dumb and Dumber that demonstrates it pretty well. Click that title to take a look.

Anyway, Kevin and Sandy accompanied me to the hospital for the appointment of the day of my procedure so one of them could drive me home afterward, since I might be a little unstable after the anesthesia. I worried a bit about losing my shit in the car on the way, but as it turned out, following their extremely granular instructions to the tee, I was completed empty and cleaned out at that point. I was even complimented on how clean my colon was during the procedure.

I was told after the procedure that everything went fine. They found 9 small polyps and one large one, all of which were removed. That didn’t sound “fine” to me, but if they say so.

This morning I got the pathology results. I had to have AI translate the results, which were: “Sections demonstrate portions of colonic mucosa with adenomatous change seen in areas with a tubulovillous and tubular growth pattern. No high-grade dysplasia or malignancy is identified.” So AI says “In simple terms, this means the doctor found non-cancerous growths called adenomas”

Ok then. I guess everything DID come out alright. I have to have a colonoscopy every three years from now on, so there’s something to look forward to. It’s a milestone I guess, and a relief to know everything is ok back there. I managed to make it to 63 without anyone even suggesting (not even my doctor, who I’ve been seeing since I was in my 20’s) that I get one. When I finally brought it up to my doctor, after watching the documentary “Andre is an Idiot“, he seemed shocked and said I should have had one when I was 45. Well thanks, doc. He jumped on getting me a referral and the rest is history.